Every mother can tell you about their long days and
sleepless nights caring for their family. We do it for the love of our
family and we do it with love. I did it too until I started to break down
and break open from juggling many responsibilities with not enough nourishment
for my own soul.
Eventually, I began to feel like I was dying inside. As if I
was a plant with no sunshine to warm me, no water to nourish me while stuck in
dark, cold, Manitoba mud. Fifteen years ago I was over burdened with a
stressful work environment, the responsibility of four children, a hobby farm
and a husband that went MIA (missing in action) several nights a week. My
journey through the mud was systematic. The plan was find out what is
wrong with me. Then fix it or change it.
It seemed to be a good plan. Except that when I began to
change something about myself it did not fix anything at all. Sometimes,
it would make things worse for me at home. As I tried new ways to find out what
I was feeling and what happened to my happiness, it became clear that this plan
just irritated and inconvenienced my husband. His inability to support and
comfort me through this time of growth (which certainly did not feel like
growth at the time) was creating a chasm between us. To be fair we did the best
we knew how to do for each other at the time.
Still searching for answers to my discomfort and new ways to
make life feel happier, I came across a yoga video at the local library.
I took it home and ended up renewing it throughout the entire summer;
practicing daily. It became a mission for me. My body was getting
stronger. Muscles in my arms were becoming more defined. I could
ride my bicycle further.
Later, that fall I was so excited to learn that a yoga class
was being offered in a town close by. Almost three years later I was able
to do some amazing things with my body. Yoga was strengthening my body and
practicing meditation was calming my mind. I felt grounded and
centered. Confrontations at work were not a big deal anymore as I became
the eye of the storm no longer blown into the storms. Yoga showed me what
my body needed day to day. I began to listen. Slowly, I began to
see the truth of my life.
The stronger and happier I became the more jealous and
resentful my husband became of me. My journey over several years to
discover myself through poetry writing, journaling, watercolour classes, yoga,
meditation, Reiki and so on was getting out of hand for him. As I was
changing and letting go. He held on tighter. His rages began to
become frantic and unpredictable.
Everything that brought me some joy brought out my husband’s
jealous, nasty behaviour. He wanted to squash this out of me; to keep me
in place. Through yoga I had made new friends with new ideas. He wanted
this, too. For a time he joined our after yoga class tea group and that
went well for both of us for a while. By the time he decided to join the
yoga class, the connection between him and I was fragile.
Keenly interested in yoga and the after yoga class tea
topics I was nourished. It felt like I began to awaken from a long sleep.
However, the awareness of what my life had evolved into while I grew up and
slept through was not enough to save the marriage. His frustrations grew along
with his verbal abuse. The rages grew more erratic until the day I left;
I knew his rage could finally destroy me. I was afraid of him that day.
Since he would not leave, I told him I would. As
quickly as I could, I grabbed a suitcase filled it with my clothes. I
wasn’t sure what he was going to do next but I knew I had to get out of there,
right away. This woman can be very fast when necessary.
By the time I had driven into the next town the realization
of what had just transpired hit me. There I was with no plan, no money, a
car and a suitcase. My bank account had $50 in it till payday and my job
was about to finish for the school year. But I was safe and I was never
going back.
The journey that followed was hell on earth for a
while. Slugging through the mud but with the help of friends, I picked up
my big girl panties, found a lawyer, found an apartment, and found a summer
job. Harvest Food Bank helped me for a year and a half till I was able to get
on my feet. Eventually, I went back to school became a Registered Massage
Therapist and slowly built a new life for myself and my youngest child.
Yoga and meditation were the foundations that sustained me
after I left my husband.
Yes, you can say yoga changed my life. Yoga taught me
to listen to my inner guidance, stand like a mountain, bend like a willow in a
storm, move forward when the time is right, stretch like a dog, cat, pigeon,
cow, fish, snake, twist like an eagle and roar like a lion when
necessary. Also, to look up to the heavens, bow in prayer and rest the
body and mind afterwards. The teachings of Buddha, the Jewel in the Lotus came
to my awareness during this time. This is where I learned about the mud and how
the beautiful lotus cannot grow unless there is mud under it. This taught
me there is much value in the mud of our journeys towards happiness and
enlightenment.
In Metta,
Namaste,
DS
